Years ago, a prospective client contacted me for his free 15-minute discovery call. I asked about his current situation and desires, told him a bit about the spiritual/ integrative approach I use to help people, and asked him if he had any questions. He shocked me then by wanting to know something no one had ever asked before: “What kind of clients are the best fit for working with you?”
I was strangely thrilled by this question and immediately answered, “The best kind of client for my practice and how I work is someone who is not interested in remaining stuck in the past.”
“Perfect,” he replied and scheduled his appointment.
He arrived the next day in a gleaming candy-apple red Ferrari and parked discreetly far away from my office front door.
Owing to his profession and powerful mind, he was a lively debate partner as we worked though old belief systems that kept him trapped in destructive ways of relating to current, legitimately challenging family dynamics. He displayed a wonderful mix of feisty intellectual skepticism and a touching openness to learn. Ultimately, he integrated the concepts I shared even though they went counter to everything he had believed previously.
His whole system evidenced the calming, regulating nature of these deep truths, because:
The Truth Feels Good.
We are never helpless or stuck- no matter how things may look on the surface.
This is Reality.
Often, we want to argue for our limitations, or the ways we have previously believed things to be- no matter how much those distorted assumptions hurt us. But when we realize there are alternate and much more empowering ways of understanding ourselves, others, and life in general, it opens us up to a completely new perspective on what’s possible. And our soul feels elevated, confident, and free.
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When I first began my career as a psychotherapist, I thought I would be helping people like me who, because of what they had lived through, now had overreactive nervous systems, a hair-trigger anger response, and a pattern of relational avoidance. I had worked hard in my own personal therapy, etc. and eventually established a more present, less chronically activated system- and I wanted to relieve others from this hellish existence as quickly as possible.
But because life always gives us what we really need and what most serves our personal evolution, life brought me all these amazing clients- who didn’t have any of my issues! Instead, they were open, emotionally vulnerable, slow to anger, in no hurry to leave terrible situations, anxiously attached, and lacking in confidence. Despite being intelligent, and typically high-achieving, they would doubt themselves, minimize their own needs & experience, default into people-pleasing and codependency, struggle to say what they really feel (if they could figure out what that was…) and fail to appreciate their inherent worth.
I was introduced to this fascinating new world I knew nothing about. It’s not that I had been emotionally healthy as a young person- far from it. I was just imbalanced in the opposite direction. So even though I experienced intense abuse, and my sense of self was damaged, I was also allowed, expected, (and likely also pushed) to feel anger as I was growing up. I was never told to “Be Nice.” That’s the last bit of advice I’d have been given. This aberrant parenting philosophy proved to be a kind of saving grace. In the trauma field, it’s understood that being allowed to feel healthy, appropriate anger helps us feel worthy at a fundamental level. And if this is denied to us, our self-confidence suffers. Anger is not the only feeling that matters, obviously, it’s simply one that many people are discouraged from feeling. And it’s the one that lets people feel comfortable setting limits, speaking up for one’s self and saying NO without guilt.
I was raised (or more like left) to become a fierce, independent,“Colombian hot-head”. My mother did not respect softness. It enraged her. All she wanted was for me to be beautiful, impressive, and tough like a mafia member (no pressure). She made it clear that I needed to put myself first or be considered a pathetic chump- if not by other people, certainly by her. (She didn’t say this directly, but trust me you pick up context clues in these environments.) The encouragement to have high standards and be self-focused served me in some important ways as a young woman… but there was SO much about being a real human that was lost on me.
Luckily, that’s where my clients came in. They have taught me so much! I’m astounded by their patience in relationships, impressed by their loving, forgiving natures and overall endearing & heartwarming qualities… I never dreamed how much I would grow from caring about all these people the universe brought to instruct me about the opposite polarity of life. Trauma pushes us to extremes. Healing is found in balance.
So it turns out this little mafia-mamma had some important things to teach people after all.
“When we know how to listen, everyone is the Guru.” Ram Dass
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And as much as I would love to promise,
“3 Easy Steps to Overcome Every Soul-Crushing Traumatic Heartbreak You’ve Ever Lived Through and Know What a Strong, Incredible Badass You Are”…
We all know that healing doesn’t work that way. But I promise that if you invest the time to truly get to know yourself, understand why the adaptations you made as a developing child were necessary, (and then recognize that time is truly over)- you can begin to clear a path for the realization of your dreams. I’ll show you how every step of the way.
I’m a no bullsh** person. (My high-school boyfriend Eric nicknamed me “Joe Pesci”, after all.) I know that not everyone is going to align with my loving-yet-direct manner, and that’s alright. If someone is not ready for the truth because they are not yet hungry enough for real change and transformation, that’s cool. Our souls have eternity to sort everything out. It’s just a matter of how quickly you want to step into the role of Master/ Creator in your own life. I want this for you and hope you want it for yourself as well.
Please understand, many well-meaning therapists over-empathize and keep clients stuck in self-perpetuated loops of emotional pain and victimhood. I can’t do that. While I am very empathic and can’t help but cry when I hear things my clients have lived through, that doesn’t stop me from staying focused upon the real point of our human lives, spiritual and emotional growth. My clients deserve the truth- and they deserve to have wonderful lives as soon as possible. That’s my mission. I love my clients way too much to handicap them or waste their precious time.
“You can be a Victim or you can be a Master, but you can’t be both.” Paul Selig
So, if YOU really want something better for yourself, I would love to be your guide because,
1. You deserve to feel calm, confident, and secure expressing your truth and asking for what you need.
2. There is a valid reason why this may feel scary or threatening.
3. I will help you understand that historical reason and move past it with self-compassion, love, and understanding.
4. Direct self-expression works. It’s the only thing that works in an adult life.
I have supported countless people who adapted to traumatic early circumstances by disconnecting from their authentic selves and shutting down. I’ve watched with awe as these amazing people triumph, emerging from the darkness of self-suppression and self-betrayal to own their voice, speak their mind, advocate for their needs… and live the awesome, fulfilling lives they deserve. It takes patience, practice, love and understanding. You are worthy of this!
We are all here for a specific soul-driven purpose. I’m here on Earth to serve those who feel in some way lost, undeserving, confused, disconnected.
I will guide you back to the most powerful being you will ever have the privilege of knowing, the real You.
Bada Bing ;)
XO,
Jenny