There are 5 basic personality patterns that humans develop in response to early childhood wounds. They are unique ways of seeing the world, experiencing our bodies, containing and expressing our energy, responding to threat, etc. They each represent adaptive strategies to surviving environmental failure. Most of us employ two- a primary and a default strategy when feeling unsafe.
Here is a synopsis of each pattern. This information is taken directly from the book The 5 Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler, which I recommend highly to anyone who wants to develop self-understanding, self-compassion and gain control of their lives & relationships.
Leaving Pattern:
Seeks safety through: Leaving
Age of wounding: utero to 6 months
Typical parent: frightened or angry, insufficiently grounded
Typical wound: hostility shattered attention of the incoming spirit
Effect of wound: self is left fragmented and fragile
Difficulty with: embodiment
Defensive action: limits contact and incoming energy, leaves body, leaves situation
Result of defensive action: self is unable to anchor in body
Flow of energy: away from others
Fears: living in a physical body and going crazy
Orients to: the psychic realm
Default emotion: fear
Values: safety, alone time
Patterned thought: “I don’t matter. No one cares.”
Patterned behavior: freeze, dissociate, leave
Human need: to individuate, to decide to live in a human body
Spiritual need: to experience individuated essence
Gifts: awareness of energy, creativity, playfulness, sensitivity
Complimenting the pattern: use a light touch, be soft and warm, note their beauty, fun, originality, creativity
Getting yourself out of pattern: re-enter your body, reference your core, ground and reassemble yourself
Merging pattern:
Seeks safety through: Merging
Age of wounding- 6 months- 2.5 yrs
Typical parent: depriving, ill, absent
Typical wound: unable to take in enough nurturance and love
Effect of wound: can’t get full, feels needy and empty, fears deprivation
Difficulty with: needs, receiving, holding, digesting
Defensive action: looks to others to fill own needs or compensates by filling others’ needs
Result of defensive action: unable to source, hold and metabolize own energy, collapses easily
Flow of energy: toward others
Fears: abandonment, rejection, depravation, not enough of anything
Orients to: connection
Default emotion: shame
Values: relationship, love, being needed
Patterned thought: “I’m not enough. I can’t.” or “I’ll help you.”
Patterned behavior: manipulate, cling, collapse, play victim or rescuer
Human need: to nurture self, to know self is enough
Spiritual need: to experience the infinite source within
Gifts: caring, nurturing, loving, generous, giving
Complimenting the pattern: make it personal and emotional, speak to their heart, tell them you love what they did
How to get yourself out of pattern: find your core and reference it, act from there
Enduring Pattern:
Seeks safety through: hiding self, resisting others
Age of wounding: 1.5-3 yrs
Typical parent: intrusive, dominating, authoritarian,
Typical wound: invaded, humiliated, punished for expressing autonomy
Effect of wound: can’t control own body, space, fears self-expression and action
Difficulty with: expressing self, taking action, claiming own space
Defensive action: resists others, turns will against own self, pulls in and hides self deep inside
Result of defensive action: resists everything, can’t express self or take own action, self-sabotage
Flow of energy: in and down, stops
Fears: invasion, exposure, humiliation, being controlled
Orients to: space
Default emotion: resentment, guilt
Values: private space
Patterned thought: “I have to hold it all.”
Patterned behavior: hunker down, resist, endure, complain
Human need: to claim own space and safety to express self
Spiritual need: to recognize individual essence as valid and divine
Gifts: grounding, stamina, steady, patient, diplomatic
Complimenting the pattern: don’t invade their space, softly leave your compliment at the edge of their space
How to get yourself out of pattern: move your body, claim your space and fill it
Aggressive Pattern:
Seeks safety through: power
Age of wounding: 2.5-4
Typical parent: one parent seductive, one authoritarian
Typical wound: during survival fear, no one was there for them, willed self to survive
Effect of wound: feels powerful, but alone, fears own needs, fears betrayal
Difficulty with: trusting others, containing self
Defensive action: rejects needs, idealizes power, dominates and controls others
Result of defensive action: must guard self, unable to need others, trust others, or ask for help
Flow of energy: up and out, inflates
Fears: weakness, domination, betrayal, trusting and letting go
Orients to: truth
Default emotion: anger
Values: control of situations
Patterned thought: “I can and I will.” “You’re not enough.”
Patterned behavior: challenge, fight, intimidate, dominate
Human need: to trust others, to have needs and still be safe
Spiritual need: to feel held by a bigger, stronger, loving presence
Gifts: big energy, will, charisma, strong, competent, resourceful
Complimenting the pattern: speak from your core to their core, note their competence and achievements
How to get yourself out of pattern: ground yourself, allow something good and bigger than you to contain you
Rigid Pattern:
Seeks safety through: containing and correcting self
Age of wounding: 3.5-5
Typical parent: rule-bound
Typical wound: taught to ignore or distrust inner experience and trust only outer rules and forms
Effect of wound: fears own inner experience and loss of control
Difficulty with: feeling self, trusting self
Defensive action: controls experience, references rules instead of self, acts appropriately
Result of defensive action: unable to feel self and trust inner guidance
Flow of energy: flow is constricted
Fears: chaos and disorder
Orients to: rules and words
Default emotion: criticism, blame, resentment
Values: forms, rules, facts, competence
Patterned thought: “Something is wrong. Someone is to blame.”
Patterned behavior: get busy, work hard, clean, organize
Human need: to feel real self, trust it and act from it
Spiritual need: to experience both unitive and individuated essence within
Gifts: order, form, structure, highly functional and high achiever
Complimenting the pattern: put it in words, make it factual, specific and verifiable
How to get yourself out of pattern: focus on feelings and sensations as your guidance